Practising Self-Compassion as a New Mum

From guest contributor Dr Rosie Pajak - Perinatal Psychologist and Founder of The Birth Healing Collective

Early motherhood can bring a wide range of emotions. Love, joy, overwhelm, anxiety, frustration and self-doubt can all exist at the same time.

For many new mums, there can also be an ongoing internal pressure to do better, cope better or feel differently. It is very common to fall into patterns of self-criticism, especially during difficult days with your baby or when adjusting to the challenges of parenthood.

Self-compassion is one of the most valuable tools you can have as a parent. It can help support you through difficult emotions, moments of overwhelm and the challenges that come with caring for a new baby.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness, warmth and understanding during difficult moments.

The word compassion means “to suffer with.” Compassion involves noticing somebody’s pain and responding with care rather than judgement or criticism. Self-compassion is simply directing that same care towards yourself.

Rather than trying to get rid of difficult emotions, self-compassion focuses on how you respond to yourself when you are struggling.

It means responding to yourself with the same patience and support that you would offer a close friend.

Self-compassion can be especially helpful when you are experiencing:

• Feelings of overwhelm in early motherhood
• Anxiety or fear
• Maternal rage and frustration
• Low mood or self-doubt
• Feeling like you are “not good enough”
• A difficult day with your baby
• Preparing for another baby after a difficult birth experience

Many parents find it much easier to offer compassion to others than to themselves. Learning to practise self-compassion is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice over time.

Why Self-Criticism Can Make Things Harder

One of the most important parts of self-compassion is recognising that struggle and imperfection are part of being human.

Many new mums respond to difficult emotions with harsh internal self-talk:

“I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“I need to snap out of this.”
“I’m failing.”

When we speak to ourselves this way, we often add another layer of emotional pain to an already difficult situation. Self-criticism can increase feelings of shame, inadequacy and low mood.

Research has consistently shown that self-compassion is linked with better mental health outcomes, including lower levels of anxiety and depression and greater emotional resilience.

The Three Steps of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a skill that can be practised over time. During difficult moments, these gentle steps can help create more emotional support and grounding.

1. Notice What is Happening

Pause and acknowledge the moment without judgement.

You might say to yourself:

“This is hard right now.”
“I’m having a difficult day.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

Simply observing your thoughts and feelings can help create space instead of reacting automatically with criticism.

2. Remember You Are Not Alone 

Struggle is part of the shared human experience, especially in parenthood.

Many other mothers and parents experience the same feelings of overwhelm, frustration and self-doubt. Reminding yourself that you are not alone can help soften feelings of shame and isolation.

3. Offer Yourself Kindness 

Kindness can be emotional, physical or both.

This may look like:

• Placing a hand on your heart and taking slow deep breaths
• Speaking to yourself with gentle and supportive words
• Wrapping yourself in a blanket and resting for a few moments
• Making a warm drink
• Listening to calming music
• Giving yourself permission to pause

Sometimes the simplest words are the most powerful:

“I can get through this.”
“I’m doing okay.”
“This moment will pass.”

Even a few minutes of self-kindness during a difficult day can help create a sense of softness, grounding and emotional support.

Self-Compassion May Feel Uncomfortable at First

For many people, practising self-compassion can initially feel awkward, uncomfortable or unfamiliar. You may even notice resistance when trying to offer yourself kindness.

This is completely normal. Self-compassion is not something most of us naturally know how to do, especially if we are used to motivating ourselves through criticism.

Even a few minutes of kindness and compassion towards yourself during a difficult moment can help you feel more grounded, supported and emotionally balanced.

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